In the Background of My Mind

Magnus Carlsen once said: “Chess is always in the back of my mind. Even when I am here, talking to you, I am thinking about chess.” Not that I want to compare myself with Magnus Carlsen, but I have the same thing with consciousness. I can see the thoughts in the back of my head, in the background, thinking about this. I always want to think about this. It took me a long time to accept that this is what it is for me: thinking about thinking and thinking about feelings. I did it so much that it started to hurt.

I can think and see simultaneously all my other thoughts in the background. Everything moves at the same time, like water switching positions on those fountains. I love this so much. Every time I think about it, I love it more. I think people have the same thing with religion. It is something that is always in the back of their minds, no matter what they do. It is like they are also working together on one shared thought.

It took me a very long time to accept these thoughts, to accept this obsession.

You look at it through tempo. Perceiving the tempo in your brain, the circle, and then bringing your attention completely into the present moment. For example, when you are having dinner with someone.

I carry this pain with pride. You have to understand it. Carrying something with pride actually means something.

Having an honest conversation with yourself

I feel terrible. I like her, but only because she does anything in bed. I think I'm in love, but I'm not sure. I hate this and that feeling. I want that job, but only for the money; besides that, I don't care about it. I think Buddhists are the biggest retards. I think life is magical. I have had a lot of spiritual processes. Most scientists are not good at what they do. Look, I started all sentences with “I”; it has to be my ego. I don't think there is a higher power, but I have had moments of doubt. Reality is partly what you make it to be. I like it raw, so I make it raw and real. I worked hard. This blocking of the feeling of freedom makes me insane.

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If you read this as if you are reading the start of a conversation, and then the story/conversation progresses, you do it the natural way. The autistic in me sees the sentences as separate, without the relationship between the words.

I feel terrible.

I like her, but only because she does anything in bed.

I think I’m in love, but I’m not sure.

These are sentences that have nothing to do with each other. It looks like there is a relationship between them, a chronological order, but there isn’t. It’s seeing something without any judgment, as if you are seeing it for the first time, which is what makes autism so beautiful. You look at something with innocent, fresh eyes, as if it’s the first time you have ever seen it. You don’t presume there is a relationship between things.

Pain happens within you. Thoughts happen within you. That’s the beautiful thing about it.

Consciousness is several things. My favorite is: it is about all the things that happen within you. Knowing what you think and feel. The deep knowing, the emotional intelligence.