When the Lesson Is Not to Be Too Strict on Yourself
Lessons are valuable. One of the hardest things to do, for me, is not to be too strict on myself. To learn to love my imperfections.
On the other hand, fear is my favorite emotion. But when I am not too critical, I feel my belly relax, stand out, instead of internalizing all my emotions.
Some levels in life are just – well – very hard. Everything has an effect on another thing.
Looking at yourself too strictly is a strategy, a way of looking at yourself, that affects every action you make. Therefore, it is so hard to unlearn.
“Look at this sucker going to work again. He is worthless. He is only an editor. He could have been anything, but he is just an editor. He thought he was so smart, right? Now look at what he became.”
“He makes decisions way too fast, way too impulsively. This gets him into trouble all the time. If only he could make fewer impulsive decisions.”
My counter is: Oh, this hurts. I’ll let that sink in for a while. But I also want to tell you that I am proud of myself. I am still standing, even with all this bad energy circulating inside me. Legacies of insecurity. I believe that I can help others with these things as well.
What helps is to write your internal conversation down. For instance, two minutes’ worth of content.
You just sit and let everything come.
For me, right now:
I feel something, but there is a tear under it. Like a blocked emotion.
I think about the consequences of ADHD on my day-to-day life. Is it possible to function?
I am scared.
I shouldn’t be scared.
I shouldn’t say that I shouldn’t be scared.
I think a lot of people in these generations have these voices within them.
Is it a part of life, or are we exaggerating?
I’m twirling my hair again, see? Restlessness. Is it ADHD, or is this pent-up energy?
I miss the good vibes.
Why am I alive? I am so sad every day.
I refuse to carry this generational burden anymore. I deny it, and we, my brother and I, need to unlearn and eradicate this from our timelines.
I feel that I have to explain myself to myself with every move, even when I am by myself. There is no one listening; I am replaying all the voices from the past.
There Is Power in These Voices
What helps best is to put labels on them.
This is what my friend Y taught me.
This is what my friend O taught me.
This is what my friend N taught me.
This is what my brother V taught me.
This is what my mother J taught me.
This is what my colleague and friend A taught me.
This is what my old colleague F taught me.
This is what my boxing mate S taught me.
This is what my grandmother OD taught me.
This is what my sister-in-law M taught me.
I’m especially proud because this list naturally filled up with women’s lessons. They taught me the most about life.
Another point is that it’s extremely important to take a proactive approach to what happens in your body and how you act. So you sit down and try. If feelings keep coming back unasked, that’s not fair.
There is something very powerful in sharing lessons. Since I have learned so many things from other people, I think it’s time to give something back.
Self-worth, for instance. Identifying how you can eliminate the very negative voice within yourself. Being too strict on yourself. Looking at yourself in a one-dimensional way. I am so sick of some narratives of reality – it’s almost as if you have to explain yourself every step of the way to yourself, if you are not careful.
I used to be very strict on myself. Being very strict on yourself is like having no vehicle to express a feeling you have inside. That feeling of wanting to prove yourself, with that insecurity that somebody else built into your system. I can guarantee you, it was not you when you were playing in kindergarten. It’s also the narrative somebody else smashes onto you about what you have to be, generating enormous pressure.
You can pinpoint this by tracking your own internal conversation.
Write down two minutes of everything that happens within yourself.
Come on, feelings. I want to feel you right now – I don’t want to get caught off guard when I am doing something else.
Reveal yourself to me, or you are the weak one.
If these were my first steps on Earth, there is no way I would tell this to myself. I would be gentle.
I have a lot of creative ideas inside myself.
I followed my whole circle of thoughts. I went full circle.
Let me pull these ideas and feelings out of my head.
Hot Chocolate
Today, I’m not making any difficult decisions. I’m going to let myself feel sad all day, or for the entire workday. I feel like I’m saying goodbye, but I don’t want to say goodbye. Everything is happening so fast.
Sometimes you have to forgive yourself. But sometimes you have to be extremely critical. That’s the hard part.
But most of the time, you have to be critical of the critical voices within yourself.
Make them as literal as possible. This helps take fear out of the equation.
“I saw a podcast where somebody said commuting makes you lose too much time, so I am contemplating whether to take the job or not.”
“Is it fair that this thought circles in my head? The guy doesn’t know my situation. On the other hand, he is kind of right.”
“I have a chaotic head. I can’t focus for a few minutes straight. I am going to perform badly at this job.”
“A lot of chaotic heads are made up of voices that have been cut off.”
“I am proud that I am sitting here, trying to face my own thoughts and feelings. I take pride in that. I could have run. Yet, I am sitting here, trying to write everything down. I have more class than these things.”