I was a very happy child growing up.
My opinion was—and still is—that life is the easiest thing in the world.
To prove that, I decided to make it as hard as possible for myself: I tried to get every psychiatric disease possible.
Yes, I really did this. Partly out of curiosity, partly out of arrogance, partly to help people.
This is the list of things I collected:
ADHD (runs in my family, mom’s side)
Autism (runs in my family, dad’s side)
Psychosis
GAD
Depression
I went into a psychiatric ward twice. I was picked up with a van and they drove me off.
Now I am 37, and I am back to being happy—well above average. You could argue I only suffer from illusions of grandeur. You could also say that I haven’t seen a therapist or doctor in years, that I have a very respectable job, nice people around me, and that I am very healthy. It’s probably all true.
A few years ago, I was convinced that the whole world could see my thoughts. I thought I had a direct connection, flying via consciousness to the moon. I thought my dog was a robot and that we were in a simulation.
How to get a psychiatric disease
It depends on which one you want. Most take years to develop. It’s like still water that starts to grow mold. You start by neglecting some sadness, or you drink things away. Next thing you know, you can’t take care of yourself properly.
One of the most bizarre things about being in a psychosis is that, in that exact moment, you have very few problems. You think you are doing fine.
The hardest thing about psychiatric problems is this:
- It takes years to get them, and it takes years to get rid of them. The moment you visit a doctor, you are already deep in, and from that point you still have to fix long-term patterns—that takes time.
- Most things people do are invisible. If you don’t speak out 30 times a day and nobody sees that, that’s 328,500 times of not speaking out in 30 years. This creates enormous amounts of tension in your body.
I know that autism and ADHD are partly genetic. But also here: do you know what else gets passed on through generations? A lot of bad habits.
I have a head with a million thoughts
How am I going to fill them?
I want some things that are true
And some things that definitely are not
I choose to believe them anyway
Because otherwise I only believe things that are true
Which is extremely limited
If you only believe things that are true
You don’t realize how limited you are
There would never be progress
The line you already know
Being conscious should feel something like this. You know all your thoughts. With everything you see, every new thought, you know why you think it—because of something you saw on TV, a memory of a smell from when you were a baby. You know which thoughts are connected. If you think A, the follow-up thought is always B.
And you know there is always a lot you don’t know. You understand there is always a new part, a creative part—thoughts don’t work linearly from A to B without something new. You know all your feelings; thoughts connect to feelings, and then you understand that only this is the part you know.
The interesting part is that it feels like you walk through a wonderland all day long. Thinking becomes an art form in itself.