First, let me explain the difference between subconscious and conscious.
Subconscious means that you have taught yourself something and you still do it that way. You do it without thinking.
Being conscious means knowing what you are doing while you are doing it.
This is notoriously hard. If you have taught yourself to control your emotions via food, you kind of ‘forget’ that you do that. You do it, but you do it subconsciously.
The reason why this works the way it works is that if you would have to do everything consciously, it would take way too long. If you would have to think with every small motor gesture (like grabbing something), you barely would move (how do I walk, how do I talk?).
This is the reason why babies need a lot of sleep. The first things you learn also go consciously. This takes an unbelievable amount of energy.
The problem with a lot of psychiatric diseases is that people taught themselves wrong behavior because they were in a position where they had to. If you grew up in a hostile environment, you maybe taught yourself to stay sharp and alert the whole time. You still do that, but subconsciously.
The good news is that you can fix your subconscious behavior by learning to communicate with yourself. Your body has subtle and elegant ways to show you what you are doing, and that you can fix those things.
The easiest example I can give is blocking emotions. I used to block my emotions. I used to suppress my grief and my enthusiasm. Every time I wanted to speak out, I swallowed my own words, creating a lot of stress in my body. I only had to not do that—which took me years to relearn. I was so used to 'punishing' myself in a way.
Another way to explain this principle.
Let’s say you have to take every step fully consciously, without any subconscious processes.
You grab an apple.
While this may look like one action, you are actually doing millions of actions at the same time. If you would have to take all these individual actions consciously, you would be paralyzed. You would have to move your arm forward while simultaneously keeping your heart beating, while simultaneously not falling over, while simultaneously not doing all the other crazy things you could do right now, like jumping out of a window.
This is not possible.
So, you do things partly consciously and partly subconsciously. That’s how you learn.
The role of awareness
You’re not aware of everything happening in your body at the same time—but it is happening. Your heart is beating, your body is repairing itself, you’re smelling things, and maybe you’re doing a nice stretch.
Your body has a sly, fox-like way of showing you how it works.
If you’re sitting in your room, it can suddenly make you very aware of something. Very aware of what you’re thinking, for example. Maybe even of a single thought.
Or very aware of how you’re breathing. Or you suddenly become very aware that something in your body hurts.
Bodies do this in a clever, almost cunning way—and they generally have your best interest at heart.
Look, I’m not suddenly very aware that my whole body is in pain. But I have been exercising a lot lately. Maybe even too much???
The more precisely you know the position, the less you know the impulse.
If you look at a particle, you don’t see everything else.
It’s the same with people. If you only see a psychiatric disorder, you don’t see all the other things someone is. That someone is kind, or likes ice cream with sprinkles. It’s very tempting to look at someone through just one lens.
If you look at animals and only see something you can eat, you don’t see everything else. You don’t see the character of an individual cow or chicken.
If you focus on just one part of yourself—your breathing, for example—you don’t see all the other things happening at the same time. That’s why it doesn’t make sense to focus only on your breathing.
This is how awareness works. It’s like a flashlight you shine on one small part of reality. Nice—but don’t forget everything else.
What you think about says a lot about you.
“You worry a lot, don’t you?” Mary asks. That’s not a bad thing at all. It actually means you care. People who are involved and who value others often worry. They really do lie awake at night. No, it’s not fun—but it happens.
Ik denk weleens dat wij de realiteit zelf maken in de manier waarop wij denken dat die is. Wij hebben bepaalde verwachtingen over de realiteit en toetsen alles aan die norm, en dan wordt het ook een beetje dat. De realiteit buigt mee met onze verwachtingen.
Als je dat loslaat, is het veel leuker. Het is net als bij relaties: als je niet zoveel verwacht van je partner, behalve dat het iemand is met wie je een goede tijd hebt, bouw je flexibiliteit in om naar elkaar toe te groeien.
Als je naar jezelf kijkt met de verwachting “het moet perfect zijn”, dan is het zelden dat, en leef je 99% van de tijd in pure ellende.
Als je naar iets kijkt alsof het zielig is, dan gaat het zich ook zielig gedragen, en dan wordt het dus ook zielig. De realiteit buigt dus mee.
Looking at yourself with compassion means seeing yourself as someone who makes mistakes and learns from them—not as someone who always has to do everything perfectly.
Sometimes I think we create reality itself through the way we believe it is. We carry certain expectations about reality, and then we measure everything against that standard—and it starts to become that. Reality bends along with our expectations.
If you let that go, it becomes much more enjoyable. It’s like in relationships: if you don’t expect too much from your partner, except that they’re someone you can have a good time with, you create space and flexibility to grow toward each other.
If you look at yourself with the expectation that “it has to be perfect,” it rarely is—and you end up living 99% of the time in pure misery.
If you look at something as if it’s pitiful, it will start to behave in a pitiful way, and then it actually becomes pitiful. Reality bends along with it.
"That’s not how time works. We don’t have common ancestors because time is perspective, and with every new perspective, time begins anew. Time is something about which you can say, looking back, 'back then it was roughly like this or that.' But you cannot be precise. Saying 'we have the same ancestors' is (extremely) rude; it’s a bit like saying all people are brothers or sisters. Aside from that, time is a fabrication that didn’t exist when no one had ever thought about it. Therefore, it wasn’t a limitation back then either."