Hourly Cycles

Look. Normally I wouldn’t write this down. I don’t want to interfere with other people’s lives. I also don’t want to be judgmental.

But I see so many people making mistakes when it comes to mental health that I almost don’t know where to start. Especially in science, people seem to have zero clue how thinking actually works.

Therefore, the system I use. There are many ways, but this is a solid one.

My official diagnoses:

ADHD (runs through my mother’s family)
Autism (father’s side)
Generalized anxiety disorder
Depression
Psychosis

I accumulated these over the years. A few years ago, I was in a psychiatric hospital twice. The second time, they picked me up with a van.

Now, at 37 (I am a man, for what it’s worth), I am happier than most and have a very solid life. I own my own apartment and whatnot.

What is very hard about mental health

It’s a slippery slope. You don’t get depression or psychosis overnight. It takes at least 10 to 20 years. Most people don’t notice that because it’s like muddy water. The water becomes a little bit muddier every day, until you forget that the water was once fresh. This is a brutal process.

Suddenly, you think, “Where are all my good feelings? I never experience anything fun anymore.”

So the moment you step into the doctor’s office, you are already too late. That is not the doctor’s fault. They try to help, but relatively late.

The system works like this:

First: you need to write down your internal dialogue. Just sit for 1 minute and let everything roll in. Try to name as many things as possible.

This is my internal dialogue from now.

• Breathing is shallow
• Notices car
• Thoughts go fast
• Two thoughts are jammed
• Who wants to read this?
• Tension in my body
• Notice that I look outside
• Bad taste in mouth
• Nervous system taste like electricity in mouth
• Recurring feeling on the left side of my skull
• Silence
• Listens to silence
• Noticing is the most beautiful thing there is
• Am I judging pain?

This was my internal conversation yesterday, which was more of a lazy Sunday vibe.

I am hungry.

A small buzzing feeling in my leg.

Something that fades away.

I can only do it on the spot, I think.

Spot? Where am I talking about?

How can I not understand my own thoughts? Are they smarter than me?

I feel regret.

Hunger again.

I need to tell this to somebody.

Mm, my internal conversation is pretty dim and static today. It’s not very varied.

A small world today. Hey, I made that up fast.

Am I in a psychosis?

My reality has become too narrow.

Am I telling this to myself?

Thirty, I am.

This wasn’t my real internal conversation. It didn’t sound like me.

Was it my niece?

I love you, niece. I’ll secretly treat you as mine, hihi.

Yesterday, there was more space between two thoughts.

My thoughts followed up on each other more slowly. Why? Because of the intensity my whole body ran on. Yesterday, I compressed consciousness in between the thoughts. It was not a sequence of thoughts and feelings; there was room around my thoughts. This room is consciousness.